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Me? My route was no route at all. I chose to hold my emotions in. I was in love with a woman (girl at the time - we were both teenagers). Her name is Heather Schultz. Heather's sister, Shannon, saw me at a gas station when I was 15 and, apparently thought I was attractive. Skip forward some time and I ended up in High School with bullshit classes because I served some time locked up and you get what everyone else doesn't want for classes. Instead of Architecture, I got Child Care. Instead of Algebra 3, I got basic math. Instead of Latin, you guessed it, I got French. That's the class that Heather and I were in.
She was and still is very pretty - hot, if you will. We were very known in school as that unique couple. The thing about her was I thought she knew she was hot - I thought I was hot and I thought she had the ego to match mine. But I was wrong. Years - and I do mean years later - I realized she was unsure of herself. And I was too. I thought us being together was a duo of deserved arrogance. But how deserving are you at 15 years old?
Her and her family owned the US Academy of Martial Arts even though was pretty, she was also bad-ass. Heh
What you missed within yourself might be evil
We all hopefully try to explore ourselves. Some out of fear, some for peak-personal performance as a human, some strive to be a better person. it's those that perfect their fuckery skills that I'm come to detest
That's where my true power was - silence, and it was dangerous. It would make women think they did something to hurt me and they'd strive to find a solution to ease the problem. To calm the subtle calamity - want to improve... something and somehow. Because I didn't say anything, the default was that they did something wrong and they would clamor to alleviate the situation.
Not one fucking word or action was required. No comment, no vague expressions, no insults. Not one... fucking... thing. Nothing needed to be said and that was the easiest power move I ever felt in my entire life.
That was also the last time I did that, sitting on a couch in my parent's basement at the corner of Fairview Street and Sunset Street with Heather, my girlfriend. Because of that unspoken cruelty I have never done it again. And I'm always haunted by the fact I could always manipulate instinctively without effort.
There were times when I was 15-ish years old that my quiet demeanor, my brass actions or abrupt disarming mattered. I will admit that at any given moment, I could manipulate anyone with my smirk, solitude or (in some cases) my fortitude.
Between the realization that because of any instance you could be no one at all and the internal arrogance (or hope) that you are everything, comes this rattled realization that you are nothing. That cold, dark syrup that sinks from the base of your skull down to the middle of your feet kind of realization. The same feeling when you go to the dining room to talk to your mother and you don't even have the emotional strength to realize she died at 4:44 a.m. and you're only at 4:34 p.m. - not even time to have a shiver shrill down your spine. That kind of realization.
That's when you know absolutely in that time, that moment, in the spherical wonderment of aching despair, that you are alone. And no one is more alone than your alone. Suicide would be a friend. Death would be an honor. You are a throbbing, bursting, tearful amount of nothing.
From that single explicit moment I knew what I was - implicit and vacant. I rarely cried after becoming that. It's difficult to know what you are, or rather, what you've become.
As I spoke before about holding my emotions in. Prior to Heather, I dated a woman, even though our age difference was quite a bit, 4-year difference to be exact. I was at the mall with a friend and he wanted to go into Spencer Gifts. As soon as we did I saw someone I was instantly charmed by. Do you remember that Shy Turtle that was all bashful, scooting his foot in the dirt, with his head handing low, saying "Ahh, nope, nope. Uh, shucks." (sometimes it was a Buzzard)? Yeah. that was me then and sometimes I can still get that way. I physically get stupid and almost run away from ones I am enamored by.
Her name is Leesa Josza and she made me feel that way. She was into New Wave music (The Cure, Gene Loves Gezebel). Me? I was Metal and Hard Rock (Celtic Frost, Guns N' Roses). I was a bad influence on her because she was and still is one of the sweetest and nicest women you could ever hope to meet. Unadulterated nice. If they ever open up another Wake The Dead,- that's her.
I got in trouble and had to do some jail time and I didn't want her to know about it because it's embarrassing. I didn't tell her that, though. a month or so later when I got out I called her, she was thrilled to speak to me. She thought I was ignoring her or that she did something wrong. Do you see where I'm leading to when I talked previously about being silent is having power and control? and it's mysterious. That was my first taste of that feeling and it wasn't until Heather that I understood. It was dangerous.
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